Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I'll never be able to quit smoking if I can't give up being such a slut for gimmicks.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Camel Crush.

(My apologies for the shakiness; you can't seem to find professional-looking cigarette commercials these days.)

The gimmick? It starts off as a normal non-menthol cigarette, but it has a little menthol zit embedded in the filter that you pop when you want to make the smoke a menthol.

At least that's what it feels like; a zit that's under the surface of your skin. It especially feels like that when you pop it.

Brooklyner ticketed for having a beer on his own front stoop.

There's no way he said that with a straight face.

Here's a snippet for you.

''We are not trying to be Big Brother,'' Mier said. ''We just want to watch the areas in the public lots where there's a lot of vehicle and pedestrian traffic.''

In other words, "We are not trying to be Big Brother; we just want to watch the areas where people are."


How long could it take to key in an eight-digit number?

Here; let's time it.

Duh-duh-duh-duh. Duh-duh-duh-duh.

How long was that? Less than a second?

Certainly, not as long as it would take for a bunch of Pleasantville's booger-pullers to put their grimy little digits on a fingerprint scanner. From my recollection of middle school, you'd have to stop and Windex the thing after every scan.

Leave it to McDonald's . . .

... to totally retardify Star Wars toys.

They COULD have given out (admittedly cheap-looking) action figures and little spaceships.

That's what they COULD have done.

But no.

What they DID was put enormous, retarded bobble-heads of characters on TOP of little spaceships.

Don't be looking for THIS Star Wars geek to be gobbling up Happy Meals anytime soon.

Freudian slip.

Remember all the times that Barry O has scolded us and lectured us and insisted that he's NOT a Muslim?


It only matters, of course, in that he has repeatedly denied that he is a Muslim. As long as he is not a militant* Wahabi-style Muslim, it would not be a problem had he not lied to us about it all along.

* - I recognize that "militant" is a subjective word. By "militant," I mean "at least as militant as Michelle Obama's eyebrows."

It's like wearing a poodle for a hat . . .

... it just don't make no sense!

(Those of you squeamish about TMI regarding bodily functions, back away now.)

So I pick up a Debrox Earwax Removal Kit. Too many years of listening to Guns n Roses full blast on the headphones are starting to catch up with me. That, and earwax and ear hair seem to come with the territory of being a Hirsute Old Fart.

Thing is, you have to tilt your head and put the drops in and stay that way for several minutes before using the bulbous booger-puller to suction the liquid out. I am easily bored, so I read the carton of the Debrox Earwax Removal Kit. Perhaps I shouldn't have.

Because listed among the inactive ingredients is something I didn't expect -- flavor.

Yeah, you read that right -- flavor. In an Earwax Removal Kit.

Don't believe me? Go to the pharmacy or grocery store and check it out for yourself.

No doubt the Bellamy Brothers had this in mind as one of the things that makes their Old Hippie get out there in the Twilight Zone.

FYI, Debrox's customer service number is 1-800-245-1040.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Biden Flashback to the pre-hairplug days.

Serial plagiarist Joe Biden is WAY smarter than you.

Nope, no hint of liberal elitism there, right?

Q: If he's so smart, why is he still riding the Welfare Train?

A: Maybe he wants to get a peek of these.

Here is the part where we make up a word.

And the word today is "whiteman-ner."

Which ticket is whitemanner?

Barack Obama (1/2 whiteman) plus Joe Biden (1 whiteman) = 1.5 whitemen.

John McCain (1 whiteman) plus Sarah Palin (O whiteman) = 1 whiteman.

If Heather can have Two Mommies...

... why can't Barack have Two Daddies?

Too bad I'm not a seamstress.

I'd start making pants that LOOK like they're low-slung and show off the unmentionables, but actually DON'T.

It should be fairly simple for anyone with any proficiency on a sewing machine.

Just cut off the top of a pair of drawers and sew them onto the top of a pair of jeans. They then become one article of clothing that simulates the look that literally has the Fashion Police in an uproar.

And it'd make me quite a bit of coin, I'd guess.

I'm surprised they didn't run into a stained blue dress in there.

Apparently, the Republicans have been digging around in the Clinton closets for collectivist campaign themes.

"Country First." -- No, John. INDIVIDUAL LIBERTIES first!

"Service Before Self." -- No, John. The government exists to serve the people, not the other way around.

"Serving A Cause Greater Than Self." -- Ayn Rand would vomit.

A snarky little college rag (with a brilliant staff, I might add) at then-Southwest Missouri State University once commented that the Clintons' vision of communitarianism struck them as communism with a few extraneous letters thrown in. That is as valid an observation now as it was then.

Wanna free tire gauge?

Slime's giving one away to the first 10K.

Apparently, the Potential Spoonerism Prevention Manager was off that day.

So I'm in the local grocery store, perusing the aisles of the $1 stuff. Most, if not all, of it is made in Red China.

I check out the toys. I don't know why I check out the toys; I never buy the toys, but I check them out anyway.

One of the toy items is these cheap little tops that light up when they spin, three to a pack.

But it is not the contents of the package that catches my eye. It is the writing on the front.

In big, tacky letters, one of the selling points is:


It's official.

In our latest super-scientific* poll, 57% of respondents agree that rooting for the sports team of the school that makes you pay property taxes is akin to Ned Beatty rooting for the rednecks in the movie Deliverance.

A new poll will be up shortly.

*- By "super-scientific," I of course mean "not scientific at all."