Oops.

I messed up the date on the Tom Tom Club/Timbuk 3 Cage Match poll. It's now open until June 1.

If you've already voted, you have to vote again.

What was it St. Diddy told us? Oh yeah -- VOTE OR DIE!!!

Poll results!!!

1. They Might Be Giants sucks at streetfighting, at least against the B-52's.

2. Korn sucks at hopskotch and Candy Land, but are pretty good at Chutes & Ladders.

3. Insane Clown Posse kick's hopskotch's ass.

Poll results show . . .

. . . that I shouldn't be eating any holiday meals at any of my readers' homes.

Nobody chose to throw away the snot-tainted filet mignon and start over. Ewww. :)

I'll come up with a new poll sometime.

Speaking of polls . . .

... I suppose I really shouldn't give up already, no matter what the polls look like.

These are the same polls, you'll remember, that as late as election day 2004 were ready to swear in President John F. Kerry.

Third Party Animal Poll Results.

Question: Where was John and why wasn't he blogging?

Insane - 4%.
Joined the Super Friends - 4%.
Unabomber Shack - 4%.
Prison - 9%.
Ron Paul - 85%.

Proves my theory that Ron Paul wins all Internet polls he is included in, even if it makes absolutely no sense.

Question: Which of the Superfriends would sniff his/her pinky finger after using it to scratch the inside of his/her itchy ear canal?

Superman. 0 (0%)
Batman. 0 (0%)
Aquaman. 0 (0%)
Wonder Woman. 1 (5%)
Black Vulcan. 1 (5%)
Apache Chief. 3 (15%)
Samurai. 0 (0%)
Zan. 0 (0%)
Jayna. 14 (70%)
Green Lantern. 0 (0%)
Hawkman. 0 (0%)
Robin. 1 (5%)

The obvious answer would be Aquaman, because he is constantly getting water in his ear and is more likely to have a fungal infection in there, so it is more likely to itch than the ears of the other Super Friends are. Aquaman got zero percent. Jayna got 70%.

Question: If Obama wins, does that demonstrate that race-based affirmative action is unnecessary?

Yes. 100%.
No. 0%.

Looks like those of you who are pro-Obama and pro-AFFAC better be careful what you wish for, because you may have to choose between the two.

It's official.

In our latest super-scientific* poll, 57% of respondents agree that rooting for the sports team of the school that makes you pay property taxes is akin to Ned Beatty rooting for the rednecks in the movie Deliverance.

A new poll will be up shortly.



*- By "super-scientific," I of course mean "not scientific at all."

Game the exit polls.

I am so sick of the media projecting the winner as soon as the polls in a state close, before a single actual vote has been counted.

Apparently, they didn't learn their lesson from Florida '00.

For the duration of this election cycle, whenever I am polled, I am going to lie. I will pick the most absurd answer from the options the pollster gives and tell them that is my choice.

Join me in gaming the polls if you like. One person is Don Quixote. Two is a prank. Three is the beginning of a movement.

Remember, you don't owe them the truth when the truth is none of their business.

And think how stupid CNN will look on a Wednesday this November, after the actual votes have been counted, the morning after they project Ralph Nader as the next President of the United States of America.